addiction or wishen' for lunar to come home...lunar 1

     So, another entry. I'm gonna try to continue because i think it will be good therapy for me and i apologize in advance if any of these are depressing or if its upsetting to anyone (if anyone even gets on these things anymore XD). But from now on i'm going to use this place as a personal journal, Diary, Friend, Vent machine, Poetry writer, story reader, life liver. I know it sounds odd but i really want to do this. My journal shall be called lunar.

     First off I must talk about my classes and school such. Classes are ok i guess. schedule as follows:

math for gen studies 10- 11 15
expository writing 11 30-12 25
and drawing 1 2 40- 5 30 (only have this class moon and wed)

and on thurs and fri i have 2D from 2 40- 5 30

thats really about it. As for life i pretty much the only person i know who doesn't throw her number at every person she just meets. I actually get to know people then give them my number. so this makes me a lonely person because every one i hang with at the dorm is always with another person they throw their number out there everywhere. Also my friend is was i call a serial cuddlier because she likes 29765456789 guys and cuddles with thermal then complains to me when they don't like her. She was all up for this one guy whose become like a brother to me but he's doesnt chill with me that much because he is best friends with his ex so i never see him. I'm kinda of lonely.....

      also for the most part, since i'm alone a lot, i think. I think a hella lot.....way to much. I wana talk to someone and get this all out of my system. I want to be ale to have peace of mind, to relax and not wana burst with tears overtime someones back is to much. I hate being alone because i've been there way to many times to count. I've been in that depression, i've had that doubt, that paranoia, that anger, rage, pain and hurt. I'm just so sick and tired of having it reoccur in my mind over and over again. playing moments, scenes, little bits of my life that i desperately want back. It's stupid and childish and i understand that its all part of the process. life is a lot of bull shit and hurt and i realize that certain people make it better or harder and that you always have to find the people worth suffering for.

I couldn't suffer anymore
for a feather in the wind.
the constant changing
constant moving
away away
farther away

I couldn't take anymore
of distance being put between us
my beautiful orange feather
how you move, glide, slide through the air
so beautiful
like music

you dance here and there
father away from me
my orange feather
so unique and wild
but beautiful and oddly tame

I just couldn't suffer anymore
for my beautiful feather in the wind
your constant moving
constant pushing
away away
father away
from me

forever and ever

 so it's been a really long time and i just today decided to be like "YO LIVEJOURNAL I'M BACK!" But truth is i don't really talk to anyone. I'm trying to better my life and be a happier individual. Living for myself. being selfish for once instead of giving and it's not working. All I'm getting is painful memories and all i do is think and think and think and think and i think so much that i think myself into a hole where i can't get out and all I do is cry. GOD. I'm so fucking tired of crying. I'm tired of having no one to talk to. I'm tired of...whatever "this" is.

  All i want to to look back on all my memories, my life and smile at them, even the parts that hurt the most. to be honest I still smile at those moments.

I constantly wish
to go back in time
to the baliwood dreams
with multi colored lights
where everything that night
had gone so wrong
but oh god it felt so right

But I don't wana trap myself in a spiral. all i did was fly around and around and around falling deeper into the rabbit hole and not wanting to get out but knew that all it did was go no where. It was endless and it never had a purpose but i wished oh so hard that it did. So badly did i want that purpose that i was killing myself little by little to hold onto that hope that the purpose was still there...My love was still there. It is still there

Would You Like Some Insomnia With Your Poem?

     So for the last 3 or 4 days now I havent been able to sleep. I have no clue as to why I can't sleep I just know I can't untill after 2: 30 usually. It's rather odd and quite annoying to tell the truth. Maybe it's stress related over not getting enough hours or my mother in the hospital or that suddenly people won't leave me alone the one time I want them to so I can

A) pack in piece without calls or text messages
B) relax and not get bitched at for apparently "ignoring" someone when my phones not working
and C) Just sleep

I really just don't know. But at least my insomnia is makeing me do more things that I havent done in foever. Like recently I started reading Manga again and it's quiet relaxing.
     Also I wrote aCollapse )
...with no problem at all! I so happy about that. Ever since I came back from europe and I had lost my voice I wanted to cry because I realized how much I love to sing even if I think I suck. Because I'm glad to have my voice back I sing around anyone and everyone regardless of what they say and writing a song...that just makes me even more happy! Now if only I could get an acoustic so I could write music to go with it -_-'.......

     And really the only thing I can't complain about in my life because I MADE it that way is of course.....DJ. (I know you were expecting it XD). Well the Day after I got home from paris I told DJ that I felt like I wasn't loved or that he just didn't care about me or where our relasionship was headed and he told me the only reason we still talk on the phone is because I still want to and that he didn't give a shit if we talked on the phone at all. (this paragraph WILL be runons). Well I'm getting fed up with trying to better our relationship and told him I wasn't going to try to force him to talk to me on the phone anymore and that he could just text me whenever he wanted to talk. So the next day he apologized for not calling that night because he was busy and I told him I really didn't expect him to call because
1: He didn't say he was going to call before
2: It's not something he likes to do and
3: He never called before so it's really out of the ordinary for him to call me
For some reason it mad him upset or whatever and then....that same evening dropped his phone in a bucket of water (out loud I said "how in the world did that happen?" and then forgot about it) so basicly I hadn't heard from him in 2 weeks and as much as it bugges me I'm getting use to it because I need to learn to expect things like this to happen. But one things for sure...

I'm standing up for myself
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